Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
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What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.