[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
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My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?