what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
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Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
“Huge”.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
This is the best one I’ve seen
Jesus Christ lmao
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?