The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
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Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Why is everyone getting married at me
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.