I hate what you’ve done with the place.
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I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.