With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
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Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Mornin
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*