Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
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Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
[eats all your cotton candy]
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.