Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
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“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”