the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
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do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
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Morningbreath
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when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.