Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
You Might Also Like
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Every damn time
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything