“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
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I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can鈥檛 tell but I鈥檓 mad
it鈥檚 highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I鈥檒l pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I鈥檓 wiping off the paint from every part of the house
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 馃
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Me: For dinner we鈥檙e having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
If you bake, you鈥檙e a baker.
If you bake a baker, you鈥檙e a murderer.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.