My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
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Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves