Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
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Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
✌️
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.