The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
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I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
British websites use biscuits.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Duck typos.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.