Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
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[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”