As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
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A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.