Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
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Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Wanna know what鈥檚 cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what鈥檚 colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that鈥檚 where they live.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
“I鈥檒l NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
i baked you a cake
Cool shirt 馃檪
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
my wife: they don鈥檛 want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who鈥檚 really punished when they鈥檙e dead?
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive