[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
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When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*