My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
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The Joker was right
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees