“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
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“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Venn
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered