I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
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Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.