I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
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The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after