Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
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“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.