I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
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CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies