I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
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Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.