I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
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When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Coffee is ready.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.