According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
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before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why