I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
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ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.