BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
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My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Breaking news:
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in