The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
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me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Social distancing in Australia:
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
i actually laughed 😩
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.