What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
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My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.