A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
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I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Thank you corporation very cool
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁