My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
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Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.