On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
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A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I have so many questions.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.