The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
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Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What