I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
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Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
you gotta be faster
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
“our sushi is very fresh”
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.