Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
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Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting