Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
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[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
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🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.