when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
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“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work