*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
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I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
BRAKING NEWS!!
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Got ya covered
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”