My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
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Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
This makes total sense…
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.