thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
You Might Also Like
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
anyone else like Italian cereal
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer