facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
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Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Meow
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult