At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
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My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.