Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
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How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”