One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
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If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude