Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
You Might Also Like
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding