how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.