#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
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Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over