If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
You Might Also Like
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.